I sat out on the porch, staring idly at the old swingset that has seen better days, days filled with laughter and happiness. I somehow also knew how the swingset felt, abandoned, sad, and forgotten. With a drink in my hand, I tried to drowse all the pain away with alcohol, while all the flashbacks slowly sink into my mind.
It was the 28th Autumn of my life. The happiest and saddest Autumn of my life. I remember the chilly Autumn breeze blowing on my cheeks as I rushed to the ICU. I was like a mad man. My lovely wife, Susan, got into an accident while she was 9 months pregnant. I was extremely devastated. I was in fear that both the baby and Susan were going to die. I prayed and prayed for them to live, and I think the Angel of Death took pity of me. My daughter, Amaya, was born without a harm. But Susan died delivering her.
I tried my best as a single parent to raise Amaya to become a respectful woman like Susan. She asked me, "Why don't I have a mom like the everybody else?". I held her tightly, resisting the urge to cry. I told her that her mother was in heaven and that she is looking after us up there. She nodded and prayedto God, asking Him to take care of Susan.
I remember on Amaya's 5th birthday, I brought Amaya to her first pony ride. She was screaming and hopping when she saw the pony, she couldn't wait to ride it. She said in between giggles, "Walk beside the pony, Daddy, it's my first ride!" On Father's Day, I remember it was the first time she baked a cake for me, she was embarassed since it was a bit burnt. "I know the cake looks funny, Daddy, but I sure tried..." The voices repeated in my mind, she grew up so fast.
I remember Amaya's 16th birthhday. It was the first time she didn't celebrate it with me. I remember looking at her all dolled up, wearing perfume and makeup. I didn't realize it till then, but she looked just like Susan. When she left, I cried for the first time in years. I did not realize how fast she was growing up. In a few years, she will be in college and then she will leave home for good. It was painful.
My mind started to drift towads the day of her marriage. I remember standing by her side in the bride-room, she was wearing her mother's wedding gown. It was a simple yet elegant wedding gown decorated with beautiful lace peony embroideries. I looked over her shoulder in the mirror, as the sorrow deepens in my soul. How I wish Susan was here to see our beautiful baby girl. She put on makeup, and asked me what was wrong. I tried my best to come up with a reply and said, "I'm not sure. I just feel like I'm losing my baby girl..." She smiled and hugged me.
I remember the short walk down the aisle. That short 30 seconds felt like an eternity. Memories of her from childhood to adolences engulfed my mind. It was painful seeing the little girl I loved leaving me for another man. I hugged her one last time before I handed her to her husband-to-be, and mustered some strength and said "You look beautiful." I sometimes wonder, what happened in between everything? Why did I not notice everything happening before me?
I drank another gulp of beer as reality settles in. I find myself standing in front of her picture in the hall. Crying once again. I wonder why every Autumn is so sad? I wonder why the Angel of Death only took Amaya after 28 years? I wonder why didn't he take me? Why am I left here on Earth? They say that there is a meaning behind every life and death, but I find no meaning in mine anymore. I dragged my legs tirelessly towards a gun and with a bullet in my head, I joined the 2 most important people in my life in heaven.
